This month’s quote comes from Sherlock – Episode 1 – A Study in Pink
Have you ever felt like you weren’t normal? If the things you do or don’t do are ok? I have.
“It’s all fine.” – John Watson
At this point in the episode John and Sherlock are on a stake out at a restaurant. I was going to write my own transcript of this scene, but I forgot that I’ve lent out my dvd to a friend and I can’t seem to find a clip online anywhere, so I’ve copied the following from this lovely blog: Ariane DeVere. I’d like to thank Ariane Devere for taking the time to write out a transcript and allowing others to use her work!
Later, John has a plate of food in front of him and is eating from it. Sherlock’s attention is fixed out of the window and he is quietly drumming his fingers on the table.
JOHN: People don’t have arch-enemies.
(It takes a moment but Sherlock finally looks round.)
SHERLOCK: I’m sorry?
JOHN: In real life. There are no arch-enemies in real life. Doesn’t happen.
SHERLOCK (disinterestedly, looking out of the window again): Doesn’t it? Sounds a bit dull.
JOHN: So who did I meet?
SHERLOCK: What do real people have, then, in their ‘real lives’?
JOHN: Friends; people they know; people they like; people they don’t like … Girlfriends, boyfriends …
SHERLOCK: Yes, well, as I was saying – dull.
JOHN: You don’t have a girlfriend, then?
SHERLOCK (still looking out of the window): Girlfriend? No, not really my area.
(A moment passes before he realizes the possible significance of this statement.)
JOHN: Oh, right. D’you have a boyfriend?
(Sherlock looks round at him sharply.)
JOHN: Which is fine, by the way.
SHERLOCK: I know it’s fine.
(John smiles to indicate that he wasn’t signifying anything negative by what he said.)
JOHN: So you’ve got a boyfriend then?
JOHN (still smiling, though his smile is becoming a little fixed and awkward): Right. Okay. You’re unattached. Like me. (He looks down at his plate, apparently rapidly running out of things to say.) Fine. (He clears his throat.) Good.
He continues eating. Sherlock looks at him suspiciously for a moment but then turns his attention out of the window again. However, he then appears to replay John’s statement in his head and looks a little startled. Turning his head towards John again, he starts speaking rather awkwardly but rapidly speeds up and is almost babbling by the time John interrupts him.)
SHERLOCK: John, um … I think you should know that I consider myself married to my work, and while I’m flattered by your interest, I’m really not looking for any …
JOHN (interrupting): No. (He turns his head briefly to clear his throat.) No, I’m not asking. No.
(He fixes his gaze onto Sherlock’s, apparently trying to convey his sincerity.)
JOHN: I’m just saying, it’s all fine.
(Sherlock looks at him for a moment, then nods.)
SHERLOCK: Good. Thank you.
This can be applied to pretty much everything in life. This scene is specifically about sexuality, so I’m going to stay with that as I’ve been thinking about my own sexuality a lot lately.
People generally think of sexuality in terms of hetero, homo, and bi-sexual, but there are many different kinds. I’m heterosexual because I was born with female reproductive organs, I identify as female and I’m attracted to men. However, the more I watch and talk to other heterosexual women the more I find I’m not like them. Do they act this way because that is how they actually are or are they trying to emulate what they’ve seen women act like on TV or in movies? I don’t know, all I do know is that I’m not like them.
Most of the women in my life are constantly telling me about the new guy they’ve met or about someone they found attractive. They flit from one man to the next. Some change boyfriends like I change socks, while others have several at the same time. That’s all fine, I’m not judging these women. They have a right to do what they like and how they like it. I just wonder why I’m not like them.
This last week a co-worker was going on about how she thought this one client was hot and another was disagreeing with her. I hadn’t seen the man, but they, of course, asked my opinion. It took a beat for me to decide to do it, but I answered honestly: that I very seldom find random men attractive just by looking at them. It takes me a while; I have to get to know them. My co-workers looked at me like I had three heads and said, “really? Not me!”
One went on to say that she finds arrogance attractive; that men without arrogance are weak; that they come off like they have low self esteem and she doesn’t like that. I was going to point out that there is a difference between arrogance and confidence, but I couldn’t get a word in edge wise.
So I’ve been wondering: does ‘heterosexual’ actually fit me? Would asexuality fit better? Asexuality is defined as the lack of sexual attraction to anyone or low or absent interest in sexual activity. I don’t think this fits me because I do have an interest in sexual activity and I like sex. Also, I have a sexual attraction to some people, it just takes me longer than most, most of the time.
During my research into asexuality I discovered about all these other layers like Gray-asexuality and Demi-sexuality. Demi-sexuality is defined as someone who becomes sexually attracted to another after getting to know them and I guess that fits me better, but that’s still not me.
And then that got me thinking, why do we have to label ourselves as one sexuality or another? Why am I so caught up on what box I belong in?
I guess for the most part I wanted to know why I was different than other people, but sitting down to write this, I realize that maybe I don’t need to label myself. That, like John says – it’s all fine. Those around me can accept me the way I am or not. It doesn’t really matter, because I’m happy the way I am and I don’t need an exact label for what I am.
It really is all fine.