This month I’ve chosen a quote from the first episode of the HBO series, True Detective.
In the episode, Detectives Marty Hart and Rust Cohle have been partners only a few months when they begin investigating a strange murder case. In order to get to know his new partner, Marty asks Rust a few questions about his life. Rust’s answers are so strange and unnerving, Marty asks Rust to stop talking like that.
Given how long it’s taken for me to reconcile my nature, I can’t figure I’d forgo it on your account, Marty.
I really liked this quote because it sums up everything I’ve been thinking about over the last month rather nicely.
You see, last month my co-workers sort of set me up with this guy, and like people are want to do – they spent the week before our first date, and nearly every day since, ribbing me. I don’t mind the ribbing at all; I know they’re doing it all out of good fun, but what I realized is how different I am from a lot of people.
A good example is talking on the phone. This guy and I, we texted for a week before going out on a date and the girls at work thought that was weird. They were surprised that we didn’t talk on the phone. When I said that that wasn’t really my thing, my co-worker, M, said “that’s the best thing! Talking on the phone for, like, 3 hours!” My reaction was wide-eyed-shock.
I told her that I can’t stand spending hours on the phone because when you’re on the phone, you can’t do anything else. It isn’t really something I’ve done since I was fourteen with anyone other than my mother. At home I would rather read, paint, draw, watch something on TV. When you’re on the phone you can’t do any of those things, you can’t cook or wash dishes or do laundry. I understand some people find it fun, but I’d rather get to know the person by talking to them on the date.
Another example is the fact that I don’t check my phone every five seconds for a text message from him, or from anyone for that matter. The day after our first date, one of my co-workers asked if he had texted yet today. I replied honestly, without thinking, that I didn’t know, that I hadn’t really looked at my phone that morning. The expression on my co-workers’ faces was hilarious, but it also told me I had said something ‘wrong’. They were so surprised. Someone said something to the effect of ‘of course, you wouldn’t.’ This was kind of my ‘ah-ha’ moment.
I realized then that I just don’t do things the way most people do. And for a moment I thought, well, maybe I should check my phone more or care more if there are texts. Am I being anti-social by not talking on the phone for hours? Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be and I’m doing it wrong.
But no. It’s fine. I’m fine. That’s just the way I am.
These are minor, silly examples. There are many others things I’ve been thinking about lately; integrity, sex and sexuality, what I feel are the differences between right and wrong. I could have written about them here, but I think I’ll leave them for another post.
In that ah-ha moment I realized that my priorities and the rules I live by are just different than other peoples, and that’s fine. We’re all different. And I’ve tried pretending to be someone I’m not before, tried changing myself to accommodate other people. It’s not worth it. It just brings about stress and awful feelings of self-loathing.
I think different people learn to accept themselves for who they are at different times in their lives. I guess I’m just starting to truly reconcile with my nature.
And so far… it’s pretty wonderful.